Over and over again

This post is perhaps one of the most difficult I've written yet. See, everything else I have written has predominantly about stories already written (a project I completed, a movie I saw, experiences I've had). This one is a bit like an author giving someone a book that is only three-quarters of the way finished. Actually, it would be more like a character from that book handing the book over. The point is, the story is still being written. This post is also difficult because it talks about a difficult season of life... a season that is happening right now.

Forgive me for being vague. I write this post because maybe it will help someone. I write it because I feel that I am supposed to. At the same time, I want to be as honoring & covering as possible while still being vulnerable.

So, here we dive in. A good friend had a good phrase for this season: "patient endurance". She told me about that phrase in May. I don't think either of us thought it would be so apt. Right now, over and over, I am getting opportunities to be patient and steadfast. Most of those I can't really explain. Sorry. Here's one that I can. In five days one of my close friends is moving to Alaska. If you know me, you know that my best friend lives in Alaska. It works out. See, the two friends are engaged.. so it kinda makes sense they would want to live in the same time zone. :-) One friend moving to Alaska? Hard. A second friend moving to Alaska? Super hard. At the same time, God decided it would be a good time to build the gift of faith. How is God choosing to do that? By asking me to believe for things I cannot see. Over and over the Lord keeps asking, "Leah, will you still trust me? Will you still believe what I have said?" Of course. What else can I do?

A friend of mine wrote an amazing story about a really hard season of having a miscarriage. You can read it here. It's long, but I promise it is worth every word. In the midst of great heartache she said, "“No matter what happens I won’t blame you God. I won’t blame you or myself. I won’t give in to self-pity; I won’t waiver on who you are, on your kindness towards me, on your unwavering goodness. I won’t! I won’t!”. Let me tell you, that hasn't necessarily been my first thought or cry in the midst of several difficult circumstances. It is, however, where I've been landing. See, anger at God doesn't get me very far. He's too good, too kind, and too faithful. I know Him well enough to know His character and I have countless stories to back them up. I'll never forget within moments of finding out my dad had died, I heard the Holy Spirit whisper, "For I know the plans I have for you... Plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you a great hope and future." THAT is the God I know. When I have mourned, He has comforted. When I have been confused, He has has brought clarity and meaning. In the midst of pain and confusion, the words He has spoken are what gets me through the day. I'm so thankful for friends and community to walk with. I cherish their kind words and am so thankful for all of their prayers. But theirs are not the words that necessarily resound in my head. What resounds in my head when I feel hope waning and I'm convinced I cannot make it another step are the promises that God has given me.

I was emailing a couple of friends and explaining one particular situation. I was explaining how even though I could see very little hope with my eyes, I would continue to put my hope in the Lord, believe for what He promised, and trust that He would not only get me through this but that I would see His glory and it would all be worth it. They responded telling me that I was encouraging to them. I finally said to one friend, "Haha.. every time someone says I'm being encouraging in this whole process I want to be like, "Do you remember the part where I said it was hard or where I'm a little whiny?" Her response, "To encourage someone is to help "put courage IN" a person. So that means your life or response to a circumstance or timely & true words help them to do the very thing that God is asking of them....it helps out courage in them to walk in faith; to walk with the Lord." I don't say this so you think I'm an amazing human being. I'm not. I promise. I don't have a special super power. I say that because I think sometimes what people need is a little more vulnerability. My vulnerability encouraged her. I also say that because I am normal. I'm just a normal girl who fell in love with Jesus. I'm a normal girl whom God has shown over and over and over again His kindness, goodness, graciousness, steadfastness, and faithfulness.

So you see, the story isn't over. None of those things that God has asked me to believe for or do are complete. Sometimes I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a desert believing for an ocean. It seems crazy. But, you know, sometimes when you think you're staring at a desert, you're really staring at the beach right next to the ocean.