The gifts I never wanted

So I'm sitting here watching The Ultimate Gift (which, if you've never seen it, you should... like now), which is all about a spoiled rich kid learning the gift of things like work.  Recently, I've been thinking about all of the "gifts" that I've received that sure did NOT seem like gifts at the time I received them.  In the midst of everyone else's thankful posts, I wondered if I could come up with 100 things I was thankful for and 100 "gifts" I'm now thankful for.  As a disclaimer, I would trade almost every single one of these "gifts" for another way of getting the end result.

1. My father's death- Let me just reiterate that I am not thankful that my dad is gone.  I would likely give back every single lesson I've learned to have him back.  What I'm thankful for is what came out of it.  Friends and family rallied around.  People stepped in to help fill the void that he left.  However, something even more amazing came from this- I was able to pass along the gift.  My freshman year a girl on my hall's sister died suddenly.  The other girls on my hall looked to me wondering how to be there for her.  A couple of years later I shared my story in Juarez and a guy on the team said it made him want to repair the relationship with his father.  One of my best friends from childhood lost her dad; I could assure her she would make it.  Most recently, another friend lost her dad.  I remember what it was like wishing someone knew how I felt.  I am incredibly thankful to be able to be that person for other people.

2.  Being rejected-  Kids are cruel; so are adults.  Like every other person on the face of the planet, I know what it's like to feel rejected.  In the moment, it hurt; it cut deeply into my soul.  I wondered if I would ever be accepted.  Good news:  I was.  :-)  And because I was rejected, I think it made me a more sensitive and caring person.  That feeling made me realize I never wanted to make another person feel that way.

3.  Arguments and hard times with friends-  I can't count the number of times I've had conversations that were anything other than fun with close and dear friends.  At the time, I was by no means thankful.  Looking back, I'm thankful for friends I could argue with.  I'm thankful for friends who I was comfortable enough with to be myself.  I'm thankful for friends committed enough to work through the hard times.

4.  Being jobless-  Okay, there were DEFINITELY parts of this that I was extremely thankful for.  However, at some point, I was SO ready to have a job.  I never realized how much of my identity and feelings of worth were wrapped up in whatever I was doing at the time.  At some points, I felt like I was wondering around aimlessly as I kept waiting for jobs.  I'm thankful for the reminder that what I do is not who I am.

5.  Being lonely-  Loneliness sure didn't feel fun at the time.  It also felt like it was going to last forever and that I would never again have friends.  Well, it didn't.  Shocker:  I made friends.  Every time.  And every time the friends I made were worth the loneliness.  I'm also thankful because the Holy Spirit became a dear friend.

I'm sure there are more things I could be thankful for, but the post was getting a little bit long.  What about you?  What's a gift you didn't want, but you're currently thankful for?  

Why are we afraid of grief?

Today I went to see the movie Courageous with my sister.  It deserves its own blog, so we'll deal with it at a later date.  What's relevant for now is that it reminded me of what I lost 9 years, 1 month, and 21 days ago (I used a date calculator; I wasn't committed enough to figure it out myself).  It reminded me of the great sense of loss I felt and how the Lord met me in it.  (Well, I guess we have another blog... or 5).

Then I came home and got on Facebook.  I saw a former classmate talking about how she missed her grandfather and wished her girls had the chance to know him.  The very first comment on her status was a very well-meaning friend, I'm sure, who talked about how her grandfather was with her and how her girls would know him through their mother.  I know she meant well.  I know she wanted to provide comfort.  The part of me who knows the pain of loss and the pain of knowing your future is forever altered wanted to quietly, yet matter-of-factly say, "It's just not the same".

So I started thinking about why the woman felt compelled to respond.  I thought about all of the well-meaning things people said to me that really didn't help.  In fact, some of them hurt- they made me feel like I was a failure as a Christian for missing my Dad.  Why do we do this?  Why do we have this compulsive need to make things better to such a point that we find ourselves saying ridiculous things in an attempt to comfort?  It seems we're afraid of grief.  We're afraid to admit that we don't know what to do or say to make it all better.  Perhaps we even feel like failures when those we love hurt.  Then I thought about another response.  Where are the people willing to say, "Your sadness and anger don't scare me and they don't scare God," as they hold you when you cry?  Where is the friend who fixes everything with one look that says, "I hurt deeply for you because you hurt, yet I know I can do little to make you feel better"?

That's the friend I want to be.  I want to stare the person in the face and say, "Whatever you're feeling doesn't scare me and it's really okay that I can't fix it".  Then, hopefully, at some point I can point them to the person who CAN fix them, who CAN heal their sorrows.  I'm not saying don't try.  All I'm saying is that your response to another's grief and struggles should be about them, not about making yourself feel better or like you did what you were supposed to do.  It's hard, I know.  We WANT to make things better and there's nothing wrong with that.  I'm simply suggesting that perhaps your part is to sit and just be okay with the other person's feelings.  

Wall Hanging Project

Yay, my first "project post".  So I saw this in a coffee shop in Seattle:  

Immediately I thought of one of my best friends.  I mean the girl doesn't like coffee, but I thought about making it into a wall hanging of her identity and words that describe her.  Sounds like a super simple project, right?  Yeah, not so much.  :-)  So thankful I have a mom who is a superb seamstress.  I really wish I would have taken more pictures, but I didn't.

I used http://www.embroidery.rocksea.org/stitch/chain-stitch/chain-stitch/, which was suggested by http://outofalabaster.blogspot.com/.  (Forgive me, I don't know how to tag it like a button).  Anyway, I taught myself the easiest back stitch.  I'm getting ahead of myself, though.  First I made a trip to Hobby Lobby for fabric.  I used my best logic to figure out how much I needed (if you know me, you know this is dangerous).  The lady in fabrics also hooked me up with the necessary supplies for embroidery.  My mom took the purple fabric and sewed it to create a backdrop, including a pocket for a dowel rod later.  We then cut the yellow fabric down to make rectangular pieces that were big enough to sit on my embroidery hoop.  I printed out the letters in the size I wanted and traced them with a pencil on the rectangles.  After back stitching all of the words, I cut the pieces down to size to look like this:

Oh, before embroidering I also put some backing on it to make the fabric more stiff and opaque.  It was just an iron-on.  After I finished and trimmed the squares, I used double-sided backing (forgive my lack of knowledge of proper sewing terminology) and ironed it on to both sides.  This was a production... hopefully the edges will actually stick.  In the end, ta da:  

You could also use some rickrack or ribbon to finish the edges.  I didn't want to.  Next time, I think I might try sewing the patches onto the fabric before making the whole hanging.  I'm not actually sure this would work, though.  :-)  Hope you enjoy!

For My Good

Thursday night, our church had a Young Adult gathering.  During worship we sang "Your Love Never Fails" by Chris Quilala and Jesus Culture.  I can't tell you the number of times I've sang this song.  In case you aren't familiar with them, the lyrics are:

Nothing can separate
Even if I ran away
Your love never fails

I know I still make mistakes
But You have new mercies for me everyday
Your love never fails

Chorus:
You stay the same through the ages
Your love never changes
There maybe pain in the night but joy comes in the morning

And when the oceans rage
I don't have to be afraid
Because I know that You love me
Your love never fails

Verse 2:
The wind is strong and the water's deep
But I'm not alone in these open seas
Cause Your love never fails

The chasm is far too wide
I never thought I'd reach the other side
But Your love never fails

Bridge:
You make all things work together for my good


As I sang the bridge, it hit me:  He makes all things work together for my good.  I thought about how when my Dad died, the first thing I heard in my head was Jeremiah 29:11 "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'Plans to prosper and not to harm you, to give you a great hope and a future.'".  


On Wednesday another friend and I put my best friend on a plane back to Alaska.  He makes all things work together for my good.  I'm jobless and have no idea when this will change.  He makes all things work together for my good.  My life sometimes feels like it's on hold.  He makes all things work together for my good.  This changes everything.  I'm a human; I can't see things from God's perspective.  From my perspective, it makes absolutely no sense.  However, He's proven Himself good, kind, merciful, and faithful.  So I'll keep saying it:  He makes all things work together for my good.

Why "quotidian" and why a blog?

I think I'll start with the easier question first.  During a Russian History class my senior year of college, I came across this magnificent word.  It's been a gem that I've held on to for the past 6 years.  Oh, you should also know, if you don't already, that I REALLY love words.  I promise:  "quotidian" did not make it on this blog for any reason other than it is an expression of myself.

Now, on to the more difficult question.  For years I've been convinced my life is not NEARLY interesting enough to warrant a blog.  I LOVE reading other people's blogs about their hobbies, interests, magnificent husbands, and kids.  Over the past few weeks, though, I find myself having random adventures others might be interested in- such as making brown butter.  Finally, I realized that perhaps what the blogging world needs is someone like me:  single, currently unemployed, and childless.  I wouldn't say I have a particularly adventurous life (yes, I realize I say this 4 days before I leave the country), but I've learned adventures are everywhere if you're just willing to find them.  I make no promises, except that I will try to be as true to myself as I possibly can.  I make no guarantees about how frequently I will update this blog.  In fact, this may be my last blog post ever (okay, not really).  I hope you find some laughter, encouragement, or insight and are glad you spent however long perusing it.  I'm honored by your views.