So I started a list of blog posts. This wasn't one of them. :-) This one came from having a conversation with a friend going through a "faith-building" season (when are we not all in a faith-building season???!!!).
I've noticed something over the past few years. Actually, I've noticed several things. One thing I've realized is I'm my own worst critic (another blog post for later). The thing I've noticed more and more recently? That whenever my faith waivers a little, I get out the boxing gloves for myself. It goes a little something like this. I feel like God promises me something. I start out super faith-filled. Then it gets hard. I still am full of faith. Then it's hard and it's been a while and I realize I didn't sign up for this long of a wait. So I kick myself. I get disappointed that I don't have an unwavering faith. Then I start believing again. Then I waver. Kick myself. Feel full of faith. It's a bitter cycle. Mixed in there are the times of me calling out to God asking Him what was going on and asking him to please confirm what He has said. Then it hit me.
Sometimes doubt is what draws me closer to the heart of God.
Think about it. Ever see a kid who isn't quite convinced his parents are going to come back from a trip or pick him up from the nursery at church? What does he do? The kid clings. Nothing else matters and suddenly that kid, who is otherwise rather self-reliant, suddenly will not let go of his daddy.
When I'm doubting, or at least wavering, I talk to God a lot. Like A LOT a lot. I whine. I ask Him if I really can hear His voice. I ask Him if He really did say what I think He said. You know what happens? He ever so kindly reminds me that I can hear His voice, He DID indeed promise me something, and reminds me I was made to make it. In those times of doubt He draws near and I cling to Him like a kid unconvinced her daddy really is coming home. Those moments are so intimate. I also find that right after that, I feel like I can have faith for years.
I'm not suggesting doubt is a spiritual discipline; I'm not suggesting we should have more of it. I'm suggesting that maybe we should quit beating ourselves up about our doubt and run to our Daddy. Let HIM tell us we can hear Him, assure us of what He said, and remind us we were meant to make it. I'm suggesting that we let doubt spring board us into the presence of God so that we gain intimacy and gain faith.
Beating ourselves up doesn't fix anything; clinging to Jesus fixes everything.
