I should have known...

I find myself saying this a lot:  "I should have known."  I mean, a lot a lot.  For whatever reason, a couple of weeks ago I wondered what I meant when I said that.  I mean, there's the obvious- I should have known.  What I really wondered was what I was implying or what was behind that statement.  So, I started thinking about when I (or other people) say this phrase.

"I should have known [fill in name of a person] was going to hurt me."  "I should have known [insert situation] was going to end up this way (which I only say when it goes poorly)".  "I should have known this was too good to be true".  "I should have known better".

Here's what I realized I was really saying.  "I should have expected this person is not capable of change or of loving for me as I want them to".  "I should always predict disaster".  "I can't trust that God has good things for me or that I deserve good things".  "I should have run through every possible scenario and braced myself for every possible situation by putting up walls".  Basically, I was saying I should be constantly skeptical and pessimistic; I should never trust God or trust people.  Because obviously pain and disappointment are bad.

Then I thought about someone saying those things to me.  I was sad about them.  Generally speaking, I consider myself to be an optimist.  I legitimately feel sorry for people who are pessimists because it seems like a terrible way to live.  I realized that I never want to be a person who assumes the worst.  I don't want to assume the worst about people and I sure don't want to assume the worst about God.  More and more I'm realizing how feeble my own attempts at avoiding pain and disappointment are.  We are all imperfect humans living in an imperfect world.  We're gonna let each other down.  That's hard.  We're not going to lover perfectly or meet every expectation.  So hard.

So, I (with the rest of the human world), have an option:  I can give in to pessimism and try to protect myself or I can risk.  It's a big risk.  Assuming the best about people and circumstances sets me up for one of two things:  I will be right or I will be let down.  If I am let down, I have two options:  Meet the Lord in it while I forgive others or dive deep into a sea of bitterness that slowly eats away at my soul and takes me back to pessimism.  See?  I even made you a cool little graphic.  (You may have to increase your browser size to see it).

  In the end, I choose risk.  I'd rather be hurt ten times waiting for the one time where believing the best about someone proves to be true.  I'd rather assume things will work out (because they ALWAYS do), then presume disaster.  From now on, I want my "should haves" to be like these:  "I should have known God would show up in the precise moment I needed Him."  "I should have known that HE will protect me".  "I should have known His purposes would prevail".  "I should have known that change is always possible".  THOSE are the things I should (and should have) known. 

Over and over again

This post is perhaps one of the most difficult I've written yet. See, everything else I have written has predominantly about stories already written (a project I completed, a movie I saw, experiences I've had). This one is a bit like an author giving someone a book that is only three-quarters of the way finished. Actually, it would be more like a character from that book handing the book over. The point is, the story is still being written. This post is also difficult because it talks about a difficult season of life... a season that is happening right now.

Forgive me for being vague. I write this post because maybe it will help someone. I write it because I feel that I am supposed to. At the same time, I want to be as honoring & covering as possible while still being vulnerable.

So, here we dive in. A good friend had a good phrase for this season: "patient endurance". She told me about that phrase in May. I don't think either of us thought it would be so apt. Right now, over and over, I am getting opportunities to be patient and steadfast. Most of those I can't really explain. Sorry. Here's one that I can. In five days one of my close friends is moving to Alaska. If you know me, you know that my best friend lives in Alaska. It works out. See, the two friends are engaged.. so it kinda makes sense they would want to live in the same time zone. :-) One friend moving to Alaska? Hard. A second friend moving to Alaska? Super hard. At the same time, God decided it would be a good time to build the gift of faith. How is God choosing to do that? By asking me to believe for things I cannot see. Over and over the Lord keeps asking, "Leah, will you still trust me? Will you still believe what I have said?" Of course. What else can I do?

A friend of mine wrote an amazing story about a really hard season of having a miscarriage. You can read it here. It's long, but I promise it is worth every word. In the midst of great heartache she said, "“No matter what happens I won’t blame you God. I won’t blame you or myself. I won’t give in to self-pity; I won’t waiver on who you are, on your kindness towards me, on your unwavering goodness. I won’t! I won’t!”. Let me tell you, that hasn't necessarily been my first thought or cry in the midst of several difficult circumstances. It is, however, where I've been landing. See, anger at God doesn't get me very far. He's too good, too kind, and too faithful. I know Him well enough to know His character and I have countless stories to back them up. I'll never forget within moments of finding out my dad had died, I heard the Holy Spirit whisper, "For I know the plans I have for you... Plans to prosper and not to harm you, plans to give you a great hope and future." THAT is the God I know. When I have mourned, He has comforted. When I have been confused, He has has brought clarity and meaning. In the midst of pain and confusion, the words He has spoken are what gets me through the day. I'm so thankful for friends and community to walk with. I cherish their kind words and am so thankful for all of their prayers. But theirs are not the words that necessarily resound in my head. What resounds in my head when I feel hope waning and I'm convinced I cannot make it another step are the promises that God has given me.

I was emailing a couple of friends and explaining one particular situation. I was explaining how even though I could see very little hope with my eyes, I would continue to put my hope in the Lord, believe for what He promised, and trust that He would not only get me through this but that I would see His glory and it would all be worth it. They responded telling me that I was encouraging to them. I finally said to one friend, "Haha.. every time someone says I'm being encouraging in this whole process I want to be like, "Do you remember the part where I said it was hard or where I'm a little whiny?" Her response, "To encourage someone is to help "put courage IN" a person. So that means your life or response to a circumstance or timely & true words help them to do the very thing that God is asking of them....it helps out courage in them to walk in faith; to walk with the Lord." I don't say this so you think I'm an amazing human being. I'm not. I promise. I don't have a special super power. I say that because I think sometimes what people need is a little more vulnerability. My vulnerability encouraged her. I also say that because I am normal. I'm just a normal girl who fell in love with Jesus. I'm a normal girl whom God has shown over and over and over again His kindness, goodness, graciousness, steadfastness, and faithfulness.

So you see, the story isn't over. None of those things that God has asked me to believe for or do are complete. Sometimes I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a desert believing for an ocean. It seems crazy. But, you know, sometimes when you think you're staring at a desert, you're really staring at the beach right next to the ocean.